Tickles Me Tuesday

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~  My patio furniture will be arriving tomorrow.  So much for that 6 week lead time, eh?  Now I’m hard pressed to find weather covers for the pieces, as a front is moving through this week.

~  I went out and bought a bunch of British TV series to hold me over until Case Histories series 2 arrived.  I was expecting it would be at least a week – it arrived today.

~  My son likes to say “thanks” whenever we help him with something.  But instead of saying “Thanks, Mom” if I hand him his train, he’ll say “Thanks, Train” like it magically appeared in his hand.  This goes for everything.  Imagine hearing “Thanks, Diaper,” or “Thanks, Milk”

~  I have an expensive, heavy, beautiful bird bath on my patio.  The birds ignore it and drink from the A/C condensation on the ground.  Jerks.

~  I planted Zinnias in the spring, and they are all blooming right now.  I love the butterflies that swarm it.  Unfortunately, the hummingbirds (which we NEVER see here) keep visiting them trying to feed, to no avail.  It has gotten to the point where they hover in front of my window, as if to say “Hey!  Where’s my shit!?”  I feel terrible and must get a feeder for them.  I’m just afraid that once I invest, they’ll never come back – especially since we never see them here.

~  I threw the pumpkins in the garden last fall because people keep mentioning they grow on their own.  Little did I know that a pumpkin plant is HUGE and is overtaking my walkway/path.  Wouldn’t be so bad if they were big pumpkins, but they’re tiny little white ones.  Jerks!

~  The Polar Vortex has apparently passed.  Went for a walk this morning, and about halfway through, the clouds parted, the sun poured out, and the heat & humidity rained down on us.  Had to cut it short by about a mile to keep from dying.

~  This morning, I weighed myself before exercise.  I was covered in sweat, burned at least 300 calories, and walked 2 miles.  I weighed 2 lbs more.  Son of a bitch!

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So, I Have This Friend

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Don’t we all?  You know who I mean…

I’ve always had this “one friend” throughout my entire life.  It was always someone different.  Usually about every 2 years. And there was always something just not right, either with them, with their life, with the way they treated me, whatever.

Right now I have no friends.  Once I quit my job, I lost all communication with the outside world.  But my last real friend, was not unlike all the friends before – she hurt me.  It was a million years ago (well, 2008, I think).  I ended our relationship and never looked back.  She moved  all over the world, and life was fine without her.  Well, fine enough that I didn’t have any friends, but whatever.

The crazy thing is – she did me wrong.  VERY wrong, and never really apologized.  A few years later, I would randomly send her an email here or there, and she would reply, but it was nothing real special.  When I was pregnant in 2011 & 2012, I started emailing her more, and she would reply more.  When my son was about a year old, I discovered that she was living quite near me, and looking to buy a house in my town.  This hurt me.  Why would she not contact me and say, “Hey, I’m sorry this went down, I’m back in the states, lets get together?”  A few more emails and IM’s, but still not making any attempt to get-together.  Then suddenly she’s pregnant, and the emails and IM’s are much more frequent, because she needs someone who has been through it.  Still no attempts to get together.

And then I find out she’s moved to the UK!  Now she’s sending me cards in the post as well.  I find out on Facebook that she had her baby, pretty much the last person to know.  So what do I do?  I spend hundreds of dollars on a care package for her and the baby and send it off to her.  She sends me an IM when I’m off line with a thank you – she was very appreciative – but no thank you card in the mail (do people not do that anymore?)  She still corresponds with me in the post, which I love…but Facebook shows me that she’s probably doing it with others, too.  She posted a bunch of pictures of her kid with some blankets someone sent her – but certainly not with anything I sent her 😦

I just received another letter from her today, I guess that’s why I’m writing about it.  Nothing bad, or anything…just talking about how similar we are and how we don’t really socialize with other people.  If only that were true.  If only she knew the damage she did to me.  She was my only outlet.  And because she’s not there, I’m forced to depend on my husband for my sole source of socialization, which puts way too much pressure on him, and has me blogging about random shit no one cares about.

Somebody That I Used To Know

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That is how I feel about myself.  I’m simply a shadow of someone I used to know – used to be.  Isn’t it weird how, once we get to a certain stage in our lives, we suddenly start identifying with who we used to be, and not so much who we are now?  I know not everyone can say they do that, perhaps you’re still quite young, or maybe haven’t gone through a lot of defining moments yet in your life.  But it seems there comes a point where we start shelving our past off into sections…be it by ages (teens, 20’s, 30’s etc), decades (remember the 90’s?), jobs (when I worked at _____), relationships (when I was dating so-and-so).

I remember growing up in a smallish midwestern town, and having high hopes & big dreams to get out of there.  My ideas for what I would be when I grew up seemed ridiculous in that place filled with blue-collar steel workers and uneducated single moms on their 3rd child (all from a different father).  All the girls I knew in high school got pregnant.  All the guys were drunks or arrested for beating their girlfriends.  I had to get away…from the Bible-belt, the family, the ignorance…and toward something better for myself.  At 17 I did, and never looked back.

I got educated.  I became employed.  I worked for the government for 15 years!  I traveled & lived all over the country.  I was proud of myself!

Although I had married right out of college (and divorced shortly after), I never wanted to be married.  I never wanted children.  And when I met my current husband, I still had no intentions to marry him.  And the fact is, we bought a home together with no plans to marry (the stupid deed is still in my former name, LOL!)  But life had other plans for me, and I got pregnant.  *Isn’t it funny how the universe has a way of telling you what’s up?  I stopped taking the pill because we weren’t having sex, and got pregnant the one time we did.*  

Having a baby in your mid 30’s isn’t anyone’s idea of a good idea, especially when you are a career-minded chick on the cusp of something fantastic.  As soon as it was obvious I was pregnant, my career started to suffer.  Seems I wasn’t taken as seriously anymore.  So I sucked the government for all it was worth with PAID maternity leave and a year of unpaid leave before I quit my job.  Unfortunately, that meant I would have to marry this guy, LOL!  *I’m going to steal Anon’s idea of code-naming people and call my husband a nick-name…I just haven’t decided on what*

And just like that, I threw it all away.  And for the past 2+ years, I’ve just been sitting at home, remembering the glory days, when people took me seriously and valued my input.  Now I feel like I no longer contribute to society.  All the “friends” I had were co-workers, and since I’m no longer at work, I no longer have friends.  Even my husband doesn’t really talk to me anymore.  He used to love chatting about work, but now it’s like pulling teeth.  I feel like he no longer respects my opinion, and doesn’t feel like I have the knowledge to contribute.

When I meet people (lets be honest, that rarely happens), and they ask me what I do.  I tell them I’m a stay-at-home mom, to which they always respond with “what did you used to do?”  Thanks.

So, I feel like just a likeness of what I used to be.  And I know that if I didn’t have a child, I would still be out there saving the world, making ridiculous amounts of money, and not being married.  Right now, I’m just my son’s mother.  Lots of moms would say that is enough.  Good for them.  It’s not for me.  I came TOO far to just be one thing.

Thursday Thoughts

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~  When I was working, Thursday was always my favorite day of the week.  It gave me so much to look forward to, being the day before Friday and all…Now Thursday is just the day that my husband works until midnight and I have to care for the child and house by myself.  yay

~  When one thing goes wrong, doesn’t everything go wrong?  If it weren’t bad enough that a pipe burst in the basement, 2 of our 3 toilets are acting a fool.

~  I don’t feel I should have to pay double for a DVD in the store than what that store offers on it’s website.  Case in point:  Barnes & Noble is offering Case Histories 2 for $26.21 on their website.  However, should I go into the store to buy it (because I don’t want to wait 2 weeks for it), I have to pay $39.99.  That is a pile of stinky bullshit.

~  I purchased patio furniture the other day (online) and it will take like 4-5 weeks to arrive.  The fact that it is the middle of July, and I won’t get it until the end of August is irksome to me.  Then again, we may have another Indian Summer and be sitting in 90 degree heat throughout September & October.

~  I find tracking my exercise/meals/weight to be very tedious.  I have 2 regular tracking apps that offer mPOINTS, and I keep downloading and uninstalling MyFitnessPal.  There seem to be no perks or attractive attributes to MyFitnessPal – unless you have a FitBit (which I don’t).  I love Nexercise and MyPlate because I can get gift cards for using them.  The point is, it is taking me AGES to log everything, and during that time I could be doing something else.  Do I need a FitBit?

~  FitBit, why are you so expensive?  Will I actually use you?  I’d love to hear from real people (and not online reviewers) if they use it and if they find it useful.  I mean, I’m not going to lose weight by wearing it.

~  Do you have a favorite thing that you always buy and use it up so much that you buy it a lot…then when you can’t buy it, you are forced to try something else in it’s place.  You prepare yourself for disappointment, when — stop the presses — the new thing is BETTER!  Not to ruin your interest, but we’re talking about salad dressing, here.  The new shit is like candy (without the calories), and it makes me look forward to my lunches. HUZZAH!

~  Why does TV suck right now?  There is literally nothing to watch on TV at night anymore.  Is it because it is summer?  Why does summer suck?  Looking forward to my husband working tonight so I can catch up with Masters Of Sex.

Gains & Losses

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My husband was away on a business trip for a whole week.  Guess what happened?  I lost one pound every single day he was gone.  I ate a salad for lunch, used appetite suppressants to avoid snacking, and exercised daily.  I actually ended up losing about 7-8 pounds total.

That told me he must be the reason I’m keeping the weight on.  While he was gone, I wasn’t making huge dinners; I wasn’t snacking; I wasn’t drinking diet soda; I wasn’t eating any fast food; and I wasn’t eating after 9PM.

I told him what happened and asked him to be supportive of my weight loss goals, and to assist me by not doing the soda thing, and not grabbing food out.

Shortly after he returned, I was adding pounds back on.

What it really comes down to, is I / we are using food to avoid each other.  I’ll spend an hour or more in the kitchen making meals; he’ll run out and grab some fast food; we’ll sit and eat while watching TV…

The food is helping us to evade the problems in our marriage.  And when you take away the thing that is helping you avoid the problem.  The problem then rears its ugly head.  It has been a BAD couple of weeks since he’s been home.  Bad enough that people are telling us to separate to keep from causing damage to our son.

It sucks ass that one bad thing was covering another bad thing.  Do we go back to eating like shit and avoid the terrible marriage?  Or do we eat better and deal with the hell that is our family?

Tickles Me Tuesday

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~  The way my son begs for my attention while I’m busy, but the second I try to play with him, he suddenly wants nothing to do with me.

~  How my bank doesn’t think it’s weird that my debit card has been compromised for the 4th time in 2 years, even though it is an emergency card/account that I don’t use EVER.  Criminal employees much?

~  Grown men walking dogs with pink leashes and picking up poop.

~  How I actually debate purchasing new music for hours, even though I know I’m going to buy it by the end of the day anyway.  (1000 Forms of Fear)

~  Knowing that blogging is what keeps me sane, yet I haven’t blogged in ages.

Skinny Fantasies

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As you’re falling asleep at night, and you find yourself fantasizing about some famous actor or that sexy guy you saw on the train, are you skinny in your imaginings? I am. Not only am I thin, but I’m fabulous! The kind of careless beautiful that everyone thinks they are, but only could hope to be.

I guess that is what fantasies are, though. Who would envision themselves fat with the likes of Idris Elba or Richard Armitage? Your daydream probably doesn’t involve eating cakes, it’s more likely you’re being glamorous and they just can’t resist you.

The question then is, why am I only imagining myself thin? Why am I not creating that world for myself? Is it just easier to go on being fat than to get myself to a place where I can feel carelessly glamorous?

*I may be revealing too much about myself with my selection of actors*